We're Getting Our Legs Waxed You Retarded Retards
by SamGrape
Summary: This is an absoloutly stupid story full of sh*t but I had SO much fun writing it. JOHNNY DEPP characters of course! I won't list any of the characters because they're supposed to be a surprise as they come along in the story. Please no hate :( I love Johnny so much. I'm just having some fun ;D Also, there are alot of cameos from random characters. I hope you enjoy!
1. Ignition

We're Getting Our Legs Waxed You Retarded Retards

BTW- I love Johnny Depp; he's my favourite person of all time! I'm not trying to be cruel; I'm just having some fun. I think the characters in the story are cute anyway.

BTW- You really gotta PICTURE THE CHARACTERS really doing these things. It makes it so much funnier.

Chapter List

Chapter 1- Ignition

Chapter 2- The Phantom Of The Opera

Chapter 3- The Return Of The Rabid Children

Chapter 4- Zombieland

Chapter 5- Watermelons

Chapter 6- Let's All Go To The Lobby

Chapter 7- You're Dead Men

Chapter 8- Supersize Me

Chapter 9- Mine Is The Biggest

Chapter 10- The Hundred Acre Wood

Chapter 11- The Cheese Touch

Chapter 12- The House Is Alive

Chapter 13- The Escape That Didn't Taste Very Good

Chapter 14- I Got Me Finger Stuck Up Me Bum

Chapter 15- Surfin' Bird

Chapter 16- Members Of Member St.

Chapter 17- The Miracle Of Life (Unfinished)

Chapter 1- Ignition

CRY-BABY was sitting in his car listening to his new favourite song Ignition by R. Kelly and was singing along, not really knowing the words. "Do do do do ignition, hot and fresh in my kitchen, mama's rolling her body and she's wishing that—" "Wade Wanker! You're late for work again you dick head!" Cry-Baby had arrived late for work once again, after getting his legs waxed. "I'm terribly sorry Mr. Sir, I was just out getting my legs waxed." "Hmm, where _do_ you get your legs waxed Mr. Wanker?" "In that coffee shop down the street." "Oh, I might try that place myself because (sighs) my my, your legs always look so smooth and sexy after you get them done." "Why thank you Mr. Sir. You look quite dashing today yourself." "Well you just look so handsome, Wade." "You look utterly attractive Mr. Sir." "Well you look so sexy I could rape you." "Goodbye Mr. Sir, I'm going to get to work now, doing my favourite job, working in a chicken processing factory." "Cool bananas." Cry-Baby started to walk to his destination in the chicken processing factory. He then arrived at his destination in the chicken processing factory. "Hi there, Wade Wanker, isn't it?" A stranger asked. "Yeah, but I prefer to be called Cry-Baby. I like that name. People started to call me that after I watched the moon landing. It was just so beautiful," Cry-Baby wiped away a tear. "Okay then, cool bananas, alright vegemite, chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most, my name is Willy Wonka." "Where did that name come from?" "Roald Dahl thought of it in bed." "Hey, I got my legs waxed today, wanna see? I actually wore just my underpants today which would prevent me from having to pull my pants up or down for people to see my waxed legs." "They look so smooth and sexy." "Were you thinking about raping me?" "I was for a second, but then I saw that other guy over there with his waxed legs and I found him much more attractive." "Okay." "Let's blow this joint!" "I like my job but OKAY!"


	2. The Phantom Of The Opera

Chapter 2- The Phantom Of The Opera

CRY-BABY and Willy Wonka walked into Halloween Town where Willy Wonka's best friend Jack lived. "Get up you lazy bastard, Jack! Golly Goshkins!" Jack rolled over to his side, still asleep. "Why is the rum always gone?" He asked in his sleep. "Hey, that's not Jack." "Of course I am, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," he said, still asleep. "Wake him up anyway," Cry-Baby ordered Willy Wonka. "Na. I'll let him sleep. He looks so peaceful like a cutsey wutsey widdle baby boo. Wook at you so cute and snugly you cutie wutie." "Well, I'm gonna wake him up." Cry-Baby kicked Captain Jack Sparrow in the ribs. He was still asleep. "Oh well. Let's just leave him here to die because he's surrounded by rabid children," Cry-Baby told Willy Wonka. Then The Phantom Of The Opera music came on and someone emerged from around the corner. Willy Wonka screamed and wet his pants 14 times. "It's The Phantom Of The Opera!" Cry-Baby screamed. "No. I'm not The Phantom Of The Opera you retarded retard. My name is Sweeney Todd," Sweeney pronounced. Then he started to sing, "I've coooooooooome to slit your throoooooooooat!" "Cool bananas!" Cry-Baby and Willy Wonka hollered in unison. "But wait, OMG I forgot my throat slitter whatsymadoodle! OMG what should I do?" "Hey, here's _my_ throat slitter whatsymadoodle." Willy Wonka handed Sweeney Todd his throat slitter whatsymadoodle "OMG! Yay! Now I have a throat slitter whatsymadoodle! Let's all be friends!" Sweeney Todd then wet his pants 17 times! Cry-Baby then asked in curiosity, "Why was The Phantom Of The Opera music playing when you emerged from the darkness?" "Oh," Sweeney Todd started, "I was playing my new The Phantom Of The Opera soundrack." "Cool Bananas," Willy Wonka said. "OMG let's blow this joint!" Sweeney Todd yelled. "Okay!" Everyone else yelled except for Captain Jack Sparrow because he'd been eaten by the children with rabies.


	3. The Return Of The Rabid Children

Chapter 3- The Return Of The Rabid Children

CRY-BABY, Willy Wonka and Sweeney Todd all decided to go to suburbia. "We should go and live together in suburbia!" They screamed. So they went to suburbia. "OMG!" Sweeney Todd yelled, "That man is trying to slit those women's throats with scissors! HEY! OMG! I LIKE YOUR STYLE!" "What?" The man turned to face Sweeney. "Let me help you kill those bitches!" Sweeney Todd ran over and slit all of the annoying bitches' throats. The man whose name was Edward Scissorhands screamed. "Why did you kill them?! They were my friends! Oh, by the way my name is Edward Scissorhands. Will you be my friend?" "OMG SURE! I have other weirdos with me too. This is Cry-Baby, and this is Willy Wonka. Let's all be friends!" "YAY!" They all hollered. "Why don't we live in that house there where one of those bitches used to live, you know, the fat one. Next to that creepy man?" Edward Scissorhands asked. "Sure," everyone said as they walked inside. They walked back out as they heard a voice. "Hidelyho neighbourinos!" "Who the hell are you?" Cry-Baby asked. "I'm your new diddely doodely neighbourino!" "Cool bananas!" Willy Wonka yelled. "My name is Ned Flanders and I'm 60 years young. I have a diddely wife and two doodely children and I go to church every Sunderino!" "We didn't need to know your life story!" Edward Scissorhands butted in. "Okely dokely doo!" Sweeney slammed the door. "OMG I'm surrounded by weirdos," he said. Edward then started to cry. "Not you, you dumbass. Everyone else!" Edward Scissorhands stopped crying, "Cool bananas," he sniffed. Willy Wonka looked up at the window and screamed, "RABID CHILDREN!" They all smashed through the window and chased everyone around. A 5 year old girl was chasing Willy until Edward stabbed her with his scissor-finger. "Golly Goshkins! Your scissor-fingers are cool bananas!" Edward would've put his thumb up if he had a thumb. He then killed the other rabid children. "Well," Edward said, "That was all of them except for the one next door killing the neighbour." "HELP ME! DIDDELY DOODELY!" His screams were ignored. "Let's blow this joint!" Edward yelled. "Yeah!" Everyone else yelled. Except for Ned Flanders, who was now dead.


	4. Zombieland

Chapter 4- Zombieland

CRY-BABY, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd and Edward Scissorhands all went to this random place in the middle of nowhere where they met a man who tried to steal Edward's Twinkie. "That's _my_ Twinkie you ASSHOLE!" The man pointed behind Edward, "Zombies!" He screamed. He then ran away with Edward's Twinkie which made Edward cry. Cry-Baby looked back, "There really are zombies coming! They're gonna try to eat my sexy waxed legs that costed me $9.95 to get done in the coffee shop and it was a really good deal!" He then started to cry. "RUN!" Sweeney and Willy yelled. Edward Scissorhands had already run to the other end of the street without then realising. "Edward you bastard!" Sweeney yelled. "RUN!" Willy Wonka yelled again, so they started to run as the song Ghostbusters started up. "Goodbye Ignition, Ghostbusters is my new favourite song." "Cool bananas!" Willy and Sweeney puffed. They all managed to catch up with Edward and they hid in a cave. They watched as the zombies ran past. "OMG, that was close," Sweeney Todd whispered. He then farted really loud. "Sweeney, you retarded retard!" Edward yelled, "The zombies might've heard you!" Edward popped his head out of the cave, "No, actually you killed them all." "Shut up," an unfamiliar voice spoke, "I'm trying to drink this person's blood okay?" "LOL! OMG! Why are you drinking someone's blood you retarded retard?" Sweeney asked. A vampire then emerged from the Dark Shadows of the cave. "My name is Barnabas Collins." "Cool bananas," Cry-Baby said. "I don't like bananas," Barnabas Collins told him, moving his fingers around in a weird way, looking disgusted. He threw up on Willy Wonka. "F*ck! bchdjskgh ravjhkdfvDFVsdfacgv dbshvuksgteysVFDSAVrfegvyctg dutcgvefjvbfbDgvrfhvergrfgVF bhdj!" "I'm terribly sorry whatever your name is." "Ah, no biggie. Cool bananas." Barnabas threw up on Sweeney. Sweeney then farted in Barnabas Collins' face. "Yum! It smells like someone just farted in my face!" "_I_ did you retarded retard!" "Cool bananas! Hey, I didn't throw up! Hooray! Let's blow this joint!" "Alright!" Everyone yelled.


	5. Watermelons

Chapter 5- Watermelons

CRY-BABY, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands and Barnabas Collins all walked to the playground to take turns on the slippery-dip. It was Cry-Baby's turn first. He sat up at the top and the others waited at the bottom. "Come on Cry-Baby, you can do it!" Willy Wonka encouraged. "I won't get my sexy waxed legs dirty will I?" "Of course not you retarded retard!" "Okay, cool bananas." "One, two, three—" "Wheeeeeeee!" Cry-Baby slid all the way down like a big boy. Now Willy Wonka sat at the top. "I'm gonna be brave, okay?" "One, two, three!" Everyone yelled. Willy started to slide down, "Whee—oh—uh." Willy accidentally turned around backwards and on his way down his pants rolled down to his ankles. He was also wearing no undies underneath. Everyone screamed and turned away except for Edward. He was curious to know what that big long thing was. "What's that big long thing, Willy?" "Yeah," Willy Wonka answered, pulling his pants up. Edward looked around confused. Now Sweeney Todd climbed the ladder and sat at the top of the slide. "I don't want encouragement. I'm a big boy." Sweeney started to slide down "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—how come I haven't reached the end yet?" "Your pants got hooked to a nail on the slippery-dip you retarded retard," Barnabas told him. "Oh." Sweeney unhooked himself and did a backwards roll down the slide, damaging his spine. ""I damaged my spine." "Cool bananas," everyone said. "MY TURN!" Edward Scissorhands screamed as he sat at the top of the slippery-dip. "You can do it, Edward!" Everyone encouraged. His breath then started to hitch. His bottom lip dropped and he started to cry. "Come on Edward, be brave," said Cry-Baby. "Yeah, be a big boy," said Barnabas. Edward stopped crying, "Okay. I'm gonna be a big boy and I'm gonna be brave." "That's the spirit! One, two, three…" Edward started to cry again. "How about you hop off and let Barnabas have a turn you retarded retard?" Sweeney asked. "Okay, you wanker." Edward got off and Barnabas hopped on. He wanted to show off and go really fast with his fastinator-power. "Hey, watch this!" He yelled, and zoomed down really fast like a really fast thing and then went so fast that he went high like a really high thing. "Stop you dumbass!" Edward yelled. and he did. He stopped and came back down from outer space. Edward clapped, "Do it again! Do it again! Again! Again!" "Shut up! No, you retarded retard!" "Cool bananas." "Whose turn is it now?" "MINE!" "Who the hell are you?" Everyone but the person who said "MINE!" who was in fact eating watermelons said in unison. "I'm Sam. What are your names?" He took out a pad and a pencil. "Why are you writing on that pad? Yuck." Cry-Baby asked. "I ran out of paper." "What's your name?" "I'm Cry-Baby." "With an n?" "No." "What's your name?" "Willy Wonka." "With an n?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Sweeney Todd." "With an n?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Edward Scissorhands." "With an n?" "Yeah." "What's your name?" "Barnabas Collins." "With an n?" "Yes, two of them."

Sam's list on his pad-

N

N

N

NN

"Let's blow this joint!" Sam yelled. "Okey Dokey!" Everyone else yelled.


	6. Let's All Go To The Lobby

Chapter 6- Let's All Go To The Lobby

CRY-BABY, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins and Sam walked down the street and decided to go to the cinemas to watch Ghostbusters. "But first," Edward started, "Let's all go to the lobby." "COOL BANANAS!" Everyone screamed and the roof caved in on the building next to them. In the lobby was The Cat In The Hat, showing off his Cupcakeinator. "Hey guys, it's my…" The Cat In The Hat started, "CUPCAKEINATOR! You wanna try a cupcake from my… CUPCAKEINATOR?!" "No, piss off you hairy man, let's all get choc-dipped marshmallows!" Sweeney Todd screamed. "YAY!" So they stole all the choc-dipped marshmallows and went in to watch Ghostbusters. Cry-Baby started to sing when the Ghostbusters theme song came on and they were all kicked out, including this other guy. "Who are you?" They all asked. "I'm Glen Lantz and I just got my legs waxed down at the coffee shop for $9.95!" "OMGOMGOMG! So did I!" Cry- Baby yelled. "OMG LOL." They both started to lick each other's legs. Then everyone else joined in including The Cat In The Hat, abandoning his Cupcakeinator. Willy Wonka then got up and stole the Cupcakeinator. "Come on guys! Let's all run away with this Cupcakeinator! Including Glen Lantz." "Hooray!" Glen Lantz hollered. Then Cry-Baby, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins, Sam and Glen Lantz walked out of the lobby and got onto a plane to go to Africa for some stupid reason. They were all sitting peacefully when… "OOOMMMGGG! Everyone on this plane's gonna die!" Edward Scissorhands screamed at the top of his lungs 22 times until he collapsed because he'd forgotten to breathe. "Don't be a retarded retard, Edward," Glen told Edward Scissorhands. "No, really! Everyone's gonna die, I just had a vision." Edward and the rest of the gang were then kicked off of the plane. "Nooooooooooooooo! I really wanted to go to Africa to see my cousin Jerry!" Sam screamed. "Too bad," everyone else said. Then the plane exploded as it took off without them, shattering the windows in front of them, making Edward cry. He then stopped, "Well," he started, "Glad that wasn't us." Everyone then walked away.


	7. You're Dead Men

Chapter 7- You're Dead Men

CRY-BABY, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins, Sam and Glen Lantz all decided to go on a shopping spree in a shopping centre in Cleveland with this random guy they found, called William Blake. "Hi, I'm William Blake, from Cleveland. Like my suit?" "I most certainly love your suit, where did you get it?" Sweeney Todd asked. "From that shop over there, for $15." "OMGZ, forget it, I don't have that much money." "Cool bananas. Anyway, I, William Blake, just had my legs waxed in that coffee shop over there for $6.15!" "What?!" Cry-Baby hollered, "When I got my legs waxed today it costed me $9.95!" "Yeah, me too," Glen butted in. "Well, sucks to be you." "Hey, William Blake you seem like a very wise man," Edward stated. "Yes, yes I am. Very much so. I, William Blake, am a very wise man. Very wise indeed." "Cool bananas! Anyway, we were all just on a plane together and I had a vision that everyone on the plane would die and then I screamed out, "OOOMMMGGG! Everyone on this plane's gonna die!" 22 times and then we all got kicked off of the plane and then the plane exploded. What the hell was all that about?" "Well, I'd say that you've all cheated death. But… death has a plan." "Cool bananas! Anyway, we better be going." "Can I come?" "Sure." "Cool bananas! But heed my warning." "Whatever. Let's go look in that shop over there where they sell dangerous weapons." "Yeah!" Everyone screamed, and then they went into the shop that sold dangerous weapons. "Hey, you're all dead men, I don't think it's such a good idea too be looking in a shop that sells dangerous weapons." William Blake was ignored. Eventually everyone got bored and left anyway. "Hey you!" Everyone turned around to spot an obese man in a wheelchair coming towards them, "You stole those knives!" Edward looked worried, "No, no they're just my hands!" Cry-Baby then started to run with 81 stolen knives in his hands. The obese man started to chase him in his wheelchair. Cry-Baby screamed and started to cry as he continued to run, but slowed down a little bit. This helped the obese man catch up to him, who ran Cry-Baby over, forcing all of the stolen knives into his rib cage. "Nooooooooooooooo! CRY-BABY!" Everyone but William Blake screamed. "I told you," he started, "Death has a plan."


	8. Supersize Me

Chapter 8- Supersize Me

WILLY WONKA, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake all decided to go to McDonalds to get Supersize meals which were now back! They all ordered Supersized fries, burgers, drinks, apple pies, nuggets, chocolate sundaes, donuts with pineapple icing and chicken wings from the factory where Cry-Baby used to work in remembrance of him. They then went and sat down at a table for 7. They ate all of their Supersize meals in exactly 6 minutes and 41 seconds each! They then went outside to go on the playground. Willy Wonka went on the monkey bars. Sweeney Todd went in the helicopter with Edward Scissorhands, who was now his best friend. Barnabas Collins climbed up and down all of the ladders like a weirdo because that's what he was, and Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake took turns on the slippery-dip while they ate watermelons. Then an ugly woman came out with her two ugly children and all three of them started to spank the gang on the bum because they weren't allowed on the McDonalds playground. Barnabas then sucked all their blood out. "Let's blow this joint!" He hollered. "YEAH!" Everyone screamed, causing the roof to cave in on McDonalds. So the gang left to go to KFC because they were still hungry. This random kid on the street was playing the song Fergalicious, which, for some reason, made Willy Wonka want to dance. He really started to boogie down. His body was flailing everywhere. He just couldn't control himself. "Stop you retarded retard, you look like a retarded retard! OMG!" Sweeney screamed in his face as he continued to dance. His body was then thrust onto the road from his amazing but powerful dance moves and he tripped over. "Get up you faggot!" Glen Lantz yelled. A massive hay truck then came along moving faster than the speed of light which was possible these days. It ran over Willy Wonka, crushing his skull and causing pieces of his brain to fly into everyone's face. "Oh well," everyone said, stepping on him as they crossed the road to go to KFC.


	9. Mine Is The Biggest

Chapter 9- Mine Is The Biggest

SWEENEY TODD, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake all walked into KFC to find Daniel Larusso, The Karate Kid, ordering Kentucky Fried Chicken at the counter. His pants then fell down. "Your dick is so small!" The girl at the counter giggled. "It is not you bitch! Now I'm gonna use my Karate moves on you! Hiiiyaaaa!" Daniel did the Crane pose thing. He then kicked the girl in the head, killing her. He then stole all of the Kentucky Fried Chicken. He then sat down with his Kentucky Fried Chicken. Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Barnabas Collins, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake all sat down at Daniel Larusso's table. "How's it going y'all?" Daniel asked. "Pretty gooooooooood!" William Blake answered. "Your penis wasn't that small," Glen told Daniel. "Why thank you, let me see how big yours is!" "Okey Dokey." Glen pulled down his pants. Daniel gasped, "Wow! 12 inches!" "Yep," Glen pulled up his pants, "Mine is definitely the biggest." Edward looked down in shame because he didn't have a penis. "Anyone want some of my Kentucky Fried Chicken?!" "YES!" Everyone screamed. "Cool bananas, here you go." Daniel Larusso, The Karate Kid, handed everyone 57 pieces each. "YAY! 57 PIECES OF KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN! Cool bananas," the whole gang hollered. "Well, I best be on my way." Daniel Larusso, The Karate Kid, started to leave. "Bye bye now!" Everyone told him, eating their 57 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Sweeney Todd took out Willy Wonka's throat slitter whatsymadoodle to cut his Kentucky Fried Chicken. Then a retarded retard came running into KFC and banged into Sweeney. This caused a chicken bone to slide into Sweeney's eyeball. He screamed in pain and ran around blindly. He tripped over a carrot which was glued to the ground with extra super super glue, and fell into the hot fat and melted. "Oh no! LOL! Sweeney melted in the hot fat!" Sam hollered, "Let's blow this joint!" "Alrighty!" Everyone else yelled.


	10. The Hundred Acre Wood

Chapter 10- The Hundred Acre Wood

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Barnabas Collins, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake all went to The Hundred Acre Wood to sleep because they were sleepy at 3.46 in the afternoon. They woke up to someone screaming, "There's WEIRDOS in my house!" It was Eeyore. They crawled out of Eeyore's stick house one by one and it fell apart. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" They all left Eeyore the depressed donkey toy there by himself to be depressed. "What should we do now?" "We should go and kill that rabbit over there that killed my best friend Sweeney Todd!" Edward screamed. "He didn't kill Sweeney you retarded retard!" William Blake told Edward Scissorhands." "Yes he did. He came in and randomly glued a carrot to the ground." "Just forget about it." "Okey Dokey." "Let's go and swim in that pond over there where that annoying baby pig is sitting peacefully with that annoying fat yellow bear who just said to the annoying baby pig that he has a rumbly in his tumbly," Barnabas said to everyone. "I have a rumbly in my tumbly too!" Glen screamed in Barnabas' ear. "I'm not deaf you retarded retard! How can you be hungry after eating Supersize fries, a burger, an apple pie, nuggets, a chocolate sundae, a donut with pineapple icing, chicken wings, a drink and 57 pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken?!" Glen shrugged and jumped into the pond and started to eat some live fish. Then the others joined in too until all the fish were gone. "HOORAY!" They shouted. Then they all climbed out. "I have a rumbly in my tumbly!" Winnie The Pooh said randomly. "So do IIIIIIIII!" Glen Lantz screamed into Winnie The Pooh's ear, causing him to go deaf. Glen then ran into every house in The Hundred Acre Wood and ate all the food! "Let's blow this joint!" He yelled. "OKELY DOKELY!" The rest of the gang yelled. Ned Flanders corpse than rose from it's grave in The Hundred Acre Woods because that's where he'd always wanted to be buried and he started to chase the gang. "RUN!" Sam screamed. And they all ran to New York.


	11. The Cheese Touch

Chapter 11- The Cheese Touch

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Barnabas Collins, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake were all in New York for no apparent reason and they were running around in circles for no apparent reason. Then Barnabas tripped over and broke both of his legs and his hip. "LOL you broke bones!" Sam yelled. "Cool bananas!" Barnabas exclaimed. "Abracadabra!" Barnabas had healed his broken bones! "COOL BANANAS!" William Blake hollered. Barnabas got up and it turned out that he was lying on a mouldy piece of cheese. It slid off of his ass and fell to ground. Edward looked at Barnabas horrified, "You, have… the cheese touch!" Edward giggled and ran away and climbed to the top of an extremely tall building. "Oh well," the others said. Then Barnabas started to run to a water fountain for no apparent reason. A security guard named Wazza then stopped him. "You saw that money over in the fountain there didn't you, that's why you ran over here isn't it?! That's my money!" "No, I was just running over there for no apparent reason." The security guard named Wazza called the Oompa Loompas, "Lulululululululu!" They all jumped out of the bushes and it turns out one of them had a taser, and it tased Barnabas in the butthole. He fell to the ground, the Oompa Loompa didn't let up, tasin' on his butthole, over and over. He was screamin' and squirmin', his butthole was on fire! And now he was dead even though vampires can't die. "Job well done, sex buddy!" Wazza exclaimed. "Nooooooooooooooo! Edward screamed and jumped off of the building. He sprung off of one of those things whatever they're called and fell into a pile of manure. Edward sobbed, "Barnabas would've been turned on. He was a coprophiliac you know!" William Blake was still running around in circles. He didn't know what had just happened. "William Blake! Barnabas Collins is dead!" Sam yelled to William Blake. "Cool Bananas!" He yelled back, continuing to run around in circles. The others shrugged. "Let's blow this joint!" Glen hollered. "Rightio!" Everyone else hollered.


	12. The House Is Alive

Chapter 12- The House Is Alive

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Sam, Glen Lantz and William Blake were all walking along this random street together and found a lawn with some beautiful green grass that Glen wanted to eat. "I have a rumbly in my tumbly!" Glen exclaimed as he bent down to eat all the grass. He was running along like a lawn mower when a creepy old man came running out. "Get off my lawn!" He screamed in Glen's ear. "Cool bananas!" Glen screamed in the creepy old man's ear, grass flying everywhere. Glen spat green saliva into the creepy old man's face and ran away, giggling. "Glen you retarded retard!" Sam called out. Then the creepy old man died of a heart attack. Edward, Sam, Glen and William Blake grabbed some sticks and started to poke the creepy old man with them. Then the police pulled up and started to shoot the house, "Get away from the house you retarded retards!" The black policeman called out. "Yeah, it's alive! Mr. ButtyCracker just died and now his house is out for revenge!" The fat policeman called out. "Yeah right," Sam said to them, pulling his pants down. He then cocked his leg to pee on the lawn. A tree branch grabbed him by the leg and swung him around, his pee flying everywhere! The tree then threw him into the door of Mr. ButtyCracker's house. "Nooooooooooooooo! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!" William Blake screamed. "He's not dead you retarded retard, you can save him!" The black policeman called out. "How?" Glen asked. "You gotta wait until the house is asleep, then you can go in and find your stupid friend." "Cool bananas!" Edward screamed. "Shut up!" The fat one screamed at Edward Scissorhands and drove away. Edward started to cry. "Stop crying you retarded retard!" William growled. "Okey Dokey." Now, we have to wait until the house is asleep, which should be during the day at this moment, so let's go in now," Glen said. "Cool bananas," William Blake said.


	13. The Escape That Didn't Taste Very Good

Chapter 13- The Escape That Didn't Taste Very Good

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Glen Lantz and William Blake stomped in while screaming and smashing pots and pans together, trying to be as quiet as possible. "Somehow," Glen started, "I think the Monster House threw him down that hole there, with the other dead bodies." "Yeah, let's go have a look," William Blake said. So Edward, Glen and William Blake jumped into the hole, to find that Sam had actually died of dehydration even though it had only been 39 seconds. "Oh well," they all said as they climbed up a ladder that was at the side of the hole. Then the house woke up and spat them out because they tasted like asscrack! "We escaped!" Edward screamed. "YAY!" They all screamed. Then they went to a place called Honeyville! "Hi, my name is Barry B. Benson!" A weirdo little bee screamed in each of their ears 16 times until William Blake crushed it between his fingers. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A woman screamed, running towards the pile of guts on William Blake's fingers. "You killed my husband!" She sobbed. Edward put his mouth to Glen's ear, "She's on crack," he whispered. He then licked all of Glen's earwax out. "Mmm, that felt good," Glen said, "Do the other ear!" So Edward licked all of the earwax out of Glen's other ear. William felt bad for killing this woman's husband. He handed the woman a can of women's deodorant that he likes to wear, "Have this, I'm so sorry for killing your stupid husband!" The woman threw it at Edward's face which made him cry. She then ran away and drowned in the ocean. Edward picked up the can of deodorant and sprayed it up both of his nostrils which gave him temporary brain damage! "Can I lick _your _earwax out?" Glen asked Edward. "SURE!" "Okey Dokey then!" Glen licked Edward's earwax out. Then some helium balloons appeared magically in front of them and they sucked all of the helium out of 24 balloons each in one breath for no apparent reason. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" They all squeaked. "What should we do now?" William Blake asked in a squeaky voice. Then a little lizard appeared out of nowhere. "The name's... Rango…" "Cool name," Glen said in a squeaky voice. He then stepped on the lizard, killing it. "Let's blow this joint!" Edward yelled in a squeaky voice. "Okay!" Glen and William Blake yelled in a squeaky voice.


	14. I Got Me Finger Stuck Up Me Bum

Chapter 14- I Got Me Finger Stuck Up Me Bum

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Glen Lantz and William Blake all went and knocked on this random door. A really ugly guy opened it. It was Butthead! "Yeah?" "Hello!" William Blake exclaimed. "What do you want? I was just inside with Beavis and we were watching this show where this guy keeps getting his finger stuck up his butt!" Butthead laughed. "Cool bananas! Can we come in and watch?" Edward asked. Butthead stared at them blankly for 3 seconds, "Sure." Edward, Glen and William Blake walked in. and sat down on the floor. "Who the hell are you?" Beavis asked, sitting up. "Beavis, these are 3 strangers who wanted to watch this show with us so I let them come in." "Okay. Just shut up alright?" "Okey Dokey doo!" All three of them exclaimed.

TV- "I think I just got me finger stuck up me bum."

Beavis and Butthead- "Hu… hu hu."

Edward Scissorhands- "-"

William Blake- "-"

Glen Lantz- "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

TV- "Yep. Got me finger stuck up me bum."

Beavis and Butthead- "Hu… hu hu."

Edward Scissorhands- "-"

William Blake- "-"

Glen Lantz- "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA!"

TV- "Oh, yep. You do got your finger stuck up your bum."

Beavis and Butthead- "Hu… hu hu."

Edward Scissorhands- "-"

William Blake- "-"

Glen Lantz- "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA!"

"This show is cool bananas!" Glen exclaimed. "Get out! All three of you wankers!" Beavis yelled. "Let's blow this joint," they said. Then they left. They took their pants off, walked onto the road and started to run around in circles randomly. Glen tripped over and he landed on his hand. He got up and… his finger was stuck up his bum! "Oh no LOL OMG LOL I just got my finger stuck up my bum!" "LOL!" Edward Scissorhands and William Blake screamed. Then they put their fingers up their bums too! Then they started to run in front of cars! LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLololololololo lolololoolololo! All three of them collapsed in exhaustion on the road. Some rabid children then ran up to them, causing them to scream in horror and pee on the rabid children because they had no pants on! That killed the rabid children. "Let's blow this joint!" All 3 of them yelled.


	15. Surfin' Bird

Chapter 15- Surfin' Bird

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Glen Lantz and William Blake all went to a bar with a jukebox because they liked jukeboxes. Then the song Surfin' Bird started up! "OMG this is that song that I like!" William Blake screamed at the top of his lungs. Then he started to sing, "Awella everybody's heard, about the bird, b-b-b-bird-bird-bird, b-bird's the word, awella bird-bird-bird, wella bird is the word!" "SHUT UP you retarded retard!" Glen screamed. "Where's Edward?" William Blake asked. "He's out the back getting his legs waxed for **$3.77**! Bastard!" "Oh well, at least we still got ours waxed—wait. Where'd he get the money?" "Shish kebab! My wallet's gone! Edward I'm coming out to kill you!" Edward screamed like a girl in the background. William held him back, "He's not worth it you wanker." "I guess. I have a rumbly in my tumbly! I want some fairy floss!" "Edward used up the last of your money—" Glen was already leaving with 78 bags of fairy floss in his hands. William walked out with him to watch Edward get his legs waxed. "This won't hurt one bit, Edward," the woman doing his legs told him. "Oka—" RIP! "EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeee!" "Alright, good job. Only gotta do it 21 more times now." The woman smiled at Edward. He smiled back. The process was repeated 21 more times, and when Edward got up, he started to cry. "Aww don't cry. You can keep your hair stuck to these 22 sheets of wax if you like," the woman told him. Each strand of hair that was pulled out of Edward's legs were 2 meters long. "How long has it been since you last got your legs waxed?" William Blake asked Edward Scissorhands. "I've never had them waxed before." Glen looked at him in a queer way, "How long have you been alive?" "A couple years." "Okay then... let's go to the park and eat FAIRY FLOSS!" "YAAAAY!" Everyone yelled. So they ran to the park which was 2 miles away, and collapsed on the grass next to a stranger. "Hi, I'm John Wilmot, Second Earl Of Rochester," the stranger said. "Cool bananas!" Glen screamed in his ear. "Do you want some fairy floss?!" John Wilmot made grabby hands at the fairy floss bags, "Gimmeeeeeeee!" "Okey Dokey Doo." Glen Lantz handed John Wilmot 53 bags of fairy floss. He put them neatly on the ground and stood up, pulling his pants down. He then started to pee in Edward's face, "I am using my member to urinate!" "Cool bananas," Edward said, as John's pee splashed off of his tongue. When John Wilmot had stopped urinating using his member, he pulled his pants up and sat down. He then started to eat his fairy floss, including the plastic. "I like your hairdo! It's funky!" William Blake said to John Wilmot. "Why thank you." John lifted William Blake's shirt, "I like your nipples… hmm, they're erect." John looked deeply into William Blake's eyes. "Let's blow this joint including you, John!" William Blake shouted. "Cool bananas!" Everyone else yelled.


	16. Members Of Member St

Chapter 16- Members of Member St.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, Glen Lantz, William Blake and John Wilmot all went to live in an apartment together on Member St. There were 3 beds in the apartment. One for Edward, one for Glen, and one for William Blake and John. All in separate rooms. It was 4.15 in the afternoon and everyone decided to go to bed. Edward fell asleep as soon as he got into bed and Glen fell asleep on the floor outside of the apartment. He couldn't make it inside in time so everyone left him outside, slamming the door on his head extremely hard. But William Blake and John Wilmot weren't ready to go to sleep yet. Edward woke up to springs bouncing squeakily in the room next door. Then to the sound of people falling on the floor, then the floorboards squeaking. Edward then went back to sleep immediately because he didn't have the slightest clue what was going on in the room next door. Edward woke up later to the sound of screaming outside of the apartment door. He ran out to see an old woman raping Glen. "You'll give him AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIDS!" Edward screamed at the top of his lungs until his lungs exploded but then went back to normal. He went back into the apartment to grab an umbrella. He stabbed the old woman in her saggy booby. She died and fell to the ground in a pool of blood with nothing on. "Glen, don't worry about putting your clothes back on, I have to take you to the hospital to see if you have AIDS!" Edward and Glen jumped into John's car. "You drive, Glen, I don't have any hands!" "Okey Dokey." Glen drove to the hospital at 300 miles p/h, smashing into every car, truck, motorbike, helicopter and human being on the way. Edward and Glen ran into the hospital and found the nearest doctor. The doctor's eyes widened as he saw Glen's 12 inch penis! He then looked deeply into Glen's eyes. They then proceeded to look for another doctor. They found one and the doctor tested Glen for AIDS immediately. The result was… HE DIDN'T HAVE AIDS! "YAAAAAAAAAAY!" Glen screamed, along with Edward. Then they went back to the apartment, not bothering to lock the doors on John's car. They went inside and locked the door. Edward fell asleep immediately as he went to bed and Glen fell asleep and collapsed just outside of John and William Blake's room.


End file.
